Many of you out there who are going to read this know my religious stance (or rather, a lack thereof) and you may question me about my motivation to celebrate this holiday. In fact, due to my open stance against religion, you may view me as a hypocrite for celebrating this holiday and accepting my paid vacation. And some of you just really don't give a shit either way. Regardless, I'm going to write about this.
I'll say this just as I've always said it: No matter what religion (or lack of religion) you are, you'd be kind of a heartless bastard if you thought Jesus wasn't a cool dude. The guy preached about peace and equality, charity and kindness. His views were unwavering, even in the face of pain and death. And regardless of whether there is a higher power or not, the guy died TRULY believing that he was helping everyone out- even the guys killing him. So really, he got a pretty raw deal. But the things he taught and the charity of his life are all pretty cool if you ask me. I mean, the guy stood up to the roman empire; Talk about some brass balls. And on top of that, he had long rockstar hair and wore sandals pretty much constantly. Sounds like my kind of guy, especially since he had a healthy appreciation of wine. Now, I may think he was a bit delusional and a lot of the stories about him were probably fabricated by men with personal agendas hundreds of years after his death, It doesn't negate the fact that he was a solid dude.
That brings me to my next point: Dear Modern-Day Christians, quit being such assholes. Seriously, the rest of us are truly fed up with it. Do you remember those WWJD (what would Jesus do) bracelets everyone wore in the 90's? You guys need to start wearing those again, but actually ask yourselves that question on a regular basis.
Would Jesus be hateful towards homosexual people trying to marry?
Would Jesus be hateful towards people for sex outside of wedlock?
Would Jesus live in a huge house in a private community and look down on poor people?
Would Jesus shame people for not worshipping in a Church every Sunday?
Would Jesus scoff people for not looking like he wants them to?
Basically, do you think Jesus would be as condescending as so many present day Christians really are? Do you think he would be fine with how you run your life now? With how you value money over anything else? With your resentment towards people who don't hold the same beliefs as you?
All I'm saying is why don't you start leading by example? If you truly believe in this shit (and you're not just treating your 'faith' as an insurance policy for your soul when you die) then start living out the things you talk about. Practice what you preach. You know, kindness and equality for EVERYONE. Then practice true forgiveness on top of that. Somehow I think that if Jesus was around today, he'd be pretty damn sad about what Christianity has turned into. Because I know that most of my atheist/agnostic friends and family live a hell of a lot more "Christ-Like" than my Christian friends do, and that's saying something.
So in closing, Merry Christmas to all of my friends, and to those of you who are not yet my friends. I plan on celebrating the season of giving, and celebrating this cool dude named Jesus who was a really nice guy, even if he was a bit off his rocker. And to all you BAD Christians out there being assholes, (excluding those being GOOD Christians) -just quit being such shitheads already. You suck.
(Post Script- I know some of my Christian friends out here will probably see this as some sort of attack, when it isn't. If you're actually living your life "Christ-Like" than you can see that none of this is aimed at you. That said, if you still feel that it's an attack on you, then maybe you should check yourself to see whether this agnostic free-thinking guy is living a more Christ-Like life than you are.)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Upside Down; Holden Caufield?
This one's going to be a touch on the serious side, but I swear I'll redeem myself by having a really good shithead reason.
I don't really know why I'm like this, but I tend to be quite cynical. Of everything. I'm still trying to decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm seriously leaning towards this quality being a positive one. It's like I have to label something as good or bad before I can pass on.
Recently (well, this is probably more of a lifelong thing) my main problem has been with fake people. Whether it's in looking fake, talking fake, acting fake... it all makes me want to puke. I feel a bit like Holden Caufield; If something isn't fully real and honest, it becomes insufferable to me.
The thing I realized that sparked all this was how people try and block out the bad or ugly things in life. For some odd reason, it seems that a few people don't want to let any ugly thing into their lives... and they ACTIVELY ignore this stuff. "Something might hurt my feelings? Well I'm going to act like it doesn't exist. Something is ugly? I want it gone, I don't want to see it. I want everything to be happy happy happy! Smiles all around!" Now, I can't blame them for that. We all want things to be perfect, that's our nature. But blocking out the bad parts of life is in NO way healthy. These people walk around like lobotomy patients, minus the drool. But you can't really have the good stuff, the happy stuff... without all the sad stuff. Think about it.
Love is the most desired when you have the least.
A warm day feels so nice after a long winter.
You appreciate life more after almost dying.
Food tastes the best when you've been hungry. (well, also if you're drunk or high)
The point is... Happy can't exist without sad. If you're one of the people who try to block out all the bad shit in life... you're numbing yourself to the happiness. If you keep this up, happy won't feel happy anymore. And then it's all downhill from there. True optimism lies in embracing sadness, pain, despair... and realizing that it's going to make the good things in life just that much sweeter.
Anyway all of that is something I feel pretty strongly about, and when I feel strongly about something I sometimes turn it into a poem or song. In this case I wrote some lyrics, and I present to you "Upside Down" (or should I name it "Holden Caufield?")
Upside Down
Your Cheshire grin might do them in,
But I can see right through;
The mask you wear, the stylish hair,
The clothes disguising you.
Your bathroom smells like lilacs
And your living room like pie;
When something isn't pretty
You'll just turn a blinded eye.
Anyone can see how hard you try,
And everything about you is a lie.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, it's upside down.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, you're upside down.
And now it's time to level, friend;
To make you see the truth.
We'll chalk up all your ignorance
to blinding, awkward youth.
You can't be happy without sad,
And pleasure comes from pain.
You'll never feel so warm and dry
Until you stand in rain.
So how can you feel healthy
If you've never once been sick?
And flowers smell so good because
They're fertilized with shit.
Anyone can see how hard you try,
And everything about you is a lie.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, it's upside down.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, you're upside down.
REASONS YOU'RE A SHITHEAD
You're a Shithead if you brag about being a vegan/vegetarian. That is a fact that needs to be stated ONE TIME, and then drop it... shithead. Oooooh, you're so nice because you watched too many Disney movies and it made you realize that animals have feelings and are generally nice and break out into song and dance... so now you can't bear the thought of Bessie the Singing Cow bleeding out from a quick nip to the jugular.
Have you ever watched the discovery channel? Nature shows? If you have, you know that pretty much every animal in nature is a total dick. Espescially when it comes to eating other animals. Remember Simba, the lion cub from "The Lion King?" He likes to murder those cute bouncy little gazelles with his fangs and claws, then feast on the tasty meat and blood. (mmm mmm good!) Now, this leads me to believe that if a cow has to exit this mortal coil for the purpose of being eaten, he'd much rather do so with the quick blast of a shotgun than to be slashed and eaten alive by cute little singing Simba. Hakuna Matata, Shithead!
That amazing artist I talked about a post or two ago has a pretty cool way of dealing with vegetarians/vegans. I'm told he invited a vegan friend of his over for dinner and this person insisted on being cooked an "animal friendly" meal. The artist obliged. In time, the vegan invited the artist over for dinner to return the favor... and was met with the artist's insistence on being cooked an "all meat" meal. It's only fair right?
So vegans/vegetarians, come down from your moral soapbox. We have canine and incisor teeth for a reason, people. And that reason is cute, furry, and awfully damn tasty.
In conclusion, I'm going to cite some sources here, both coming from Maddox. This guy is HILARIOUS and also one of my biggest influences on the style in which I write. The first one is about how many animals are killed harvesting the sources of grain and food to support a vegetarians diet:"
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=grill
And this one is about "Sponsoring a Vegetarian." Hilarious.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sponsor
Oh, and if you somehow make the (incorrect) assumption that I'm condoning animal cruelty in this post.... guess what... YOU'RE A SHITHEAD!!!
I don't really know why I'm like this, but I tend to be quite cynical. Of everything. I'm still trying to decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm seriously leaning towards this quality being a positive one. It's like I have to label something as good or bad before I can pass on.
Recently (well, this is probably more of a lifelong thing) my main problem has been with fake people. Whether it's in looking fake, talking fake, acting fake... it all makes me want to puke. I feel a bit like Holden Caufield; If something isn't fully real and honest, it becomes insufferable to me.
The thing I realized that sparked all this was how people try and block out the bad or ugly things in life. For some odd reason, it seems that a few people don't want to let any ugly thing into their lives... and they ACTIVELY ignore this stuff. "Something might hurt my feelings? Well I'm going to act like it doesn't exist. Something is ugly? I want it gone, I don't want to see it. I want everything to be happy happy happy! Smiles all around!" Now, I can't blame them for that. We all want things to be perfect, that's our nature. But blocking out the bad parts of life is in NO way healthy. These people walk around like lobotomy patients, minus the drool. But you can't really have the good stuff, the happy stuff... without all the sad stuff. Think about it.
Love is the most desired when you have the least.
A warm day feels so nice after a long winter.
You appreciate life more after almost dying.
Food tastes the best when you've been hungry. (well, also if you're drunk or high)
The point is... Happy can't exist without sad. If you're one of the people who try to block out all the bad shit in life... you're numbing yourself to the happiness. If you keep this up, happy won't feel happy anymore. And then it's all downhill from there. True optimism lies in embracing sadness, pain, despair... and realizing that it's going to make the good things in life just that much sweeter.
Anyway all of that is something I feel pretty strongly about, and when I feel strongly about something I sometimes turn it into a poem or song. In this case I wrote some lyrics, and I present to you "Upside Down" (or should I name it "Holden Caufield?")
Upside Down
Your Cheshire grin might do them in,
But I can see right through;
The mask you wear, the stylish hair,
The clothes disguising you.
Your bathroom smells like lilacs
And your living room like pie;
When something isn't pretty
You'll just turn a blinded eye.
Anyone can see how hard you try,
And everything about you is a lie.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, it's upside down.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, you're upside down.
And now it's time to level, friend;
To make you see the truth.
We'll chalk up all your ignorance
to blinding, awkward youth.
You can't be happy without sad,
And pleasure comes from pain.
You'll never feel so warm and dry
Until you stand in rain.
So how can you feel healthy
If you've never once been sick?
And flowers smell so good because
They're fertilized with shit.
Anyone can see how hard you try,
And everything about you is a lie.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, it's upside down.
You're like a clown with a painted frown,
That's upside down, you're upside down.
REASONS YOU'RE A SHITHEAD
You're a Shithead if you brag about being a vegan/vegetarian. That is a fact that needs to be stated ONE TIME, and then drop it... shithead. Oooooh, you're so nice because you watched too many Disney movies and it made you realize that animals have feelings and are generally nice and break out into song and dance... so now you can't bear the thought of Bessie the Singing Cow bleeding out from a quick nip to the jugular.
Have you ever watched the discovery channel? Nature shows? If you have, you know that pretty much every animal in nature is a total dick. Espescially when it comes to eating other animals. Remember Simba, the lion cub from "The Lion King?" He likes to murder those cute bouncy little gazelles with his fangs and claws, then feast on the tasty meat and blood. (mmm mmm good!) Now, this leads me to believe that if a cow has to exit this mortal coil for the purpose of being eaten, he'd much rather do so with the quick blast of a shotgun than to be slashed and eaten alive by cute little singing Simba. Hakuna Matata, Shithead!
That amazing artist I talked about a post or two ago has a pretty cool way of dealing with vegetarians/vegans. I'm told he invited a vegan friend of his over for dinner and this person insisted on being cooked an "animal friendly" meal. The artist obliged. In time, the vegan invited the artist over for dinner to return the favor... and was met with the artist's insistence on being cooked an "all meat" meal. It's only fair right?
So vegans/vegetarians, come down from your moral soapbox. We have canine and incisor teeth for a reason, people. And that reason is cute, furry, and awfully damn tasty.
In conclusion, I'm going to cite some sources here, both coming from Maddox. This guy is HILARIOUS and also one of my biggest influences on the style in which I write. The first one is about how many animals are killed harvesting the sources of grain and food to support a vegetarians diet:"
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=grill
And this one is about "Sponsoring a Vegetarian." Hilarious.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sponsor
Oh, and if you somehow make the (incorrect) assumption that I'm condoning animal cruelty in this post.... guess what... YOU'RE A SHITHEAD!!!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Concerning Pole Vault, 10-21-09
First of all, it's my sister Kelly's birthday today, so wish her a happy one.
On to business; as some of you may recall, I posted a blog not too long ago about my shoulder injury. I'm happy to say that I feel my shoulder is basically back to 100%. Lately I've been hitting the weightroom pretty heavily to strengthen the entire muscle group, along with the rest of my body. I got a pretty awesome 3 month general workout schedule from the old ChasingKaz forums, and it seems to be pretty effective. Along with the general free-weight routine, I do quite a bit of abdominal work and hit some other muscle groups as I see fit. My workout starts with a warmup run of anywhere from .5 - 2 miles (I've been replacing the run with an excercise bike warmup at times.) I try to make my warm-ups more intense and to get my heart rate up over 150 for a period of time, the purpose is to make sure that I'm burning off fat and that weight I'm gaining is only muscle. After that, I'll do static stretches for 10 minutes or so, then go through my weight routine. My workouts target different groups every day, alternating from legs and back to chest and arms. Every day though, I make sure I work on my abs too.
Another big thing I've been concentrating on is nutrition. If you see me out in public, and you don't know me, you might think I'm a bit malnourished. I'm right at 5'11" and most definitely underweight. However, I've been putting on muscle weight recently, and that's a good thing. My workout rotates in three week cycles; the first two weeks concentrates on intensity and high repetitions, while the third is a strengthening week for the muscles you built during the first two. I have scheduled this to last through 4 rotations, 12 weeks total. Directly after my workouts I get protein into my system through either those health bars and shakes, or boiled eggs. Last May, my vaulting weight (shoes and uniform) was averaging around 133lbs-134lbs. Already, I've put on over ten pounds in muscle (Yesterday my vaulting weight was 147.7lbs., and the day before it was right at 149.0lbs.) My goal is to stay right around 150lbs. for the season. Being a little heavier now is a great thing, because it puts a lot more vaulting poles in my range for me to use. The fact that the weight i'm gaining is all muscle is even better.
As of right now I'm keeping myself from actually vaulting; I want to have a good base built and a powerful core before I dive right into it. The indoor facility I use will be opening in the beginning of December, and I plan to be jumping again around that time. I'm urging my top female vaulter to do this same workout plan as well, and to hold off on jumping. I have some high hopes for this season, since last season a big problem was finding good vaulting poles for my weight range. This year I'll have access to almost any pole I need. I'm already quite a bit stronger, and hopefully have more balanced muscle groups. The big "X-factor" for this upcoming season will be just keeping myself from getting injured. As of now my goal is 16ft, and I believe that if things go well I'll have to raise that goal soon. The mechanical aspects of my vault are sound, overall. There are a few aspects I'll need to work on though, when I start jumping again. The first one being my pole drop (How efficiently I move the pole tip from high above my head during the carry to the moment the pole tip is planted in the box.) Ideally, you want to be able to time your pole drop so that the pole actually freefalls during the last few strides of the approach run. As it is now, during my approach I gradually lower the pole over the entire run. This causes me to lean back a bit to support the pole's weight over the last few strides, which leaves me in a less than ideal body position at takeoff. One of my early goals will be to work on my timing and to create more of a freefall of the pole during my approach.
That's about all there is to write about vaulting right now, sorry to bore you with the technicalities. Now, on to...
Reasons You're A Shithead
You're a shithead if you go to a concert and you JUST STAND THERE. Nothing is worse than being on stage and really rocking out an original song, while the crowd stands motionless and expressionless like lobotomy patients. It makes me want to light your head on fire. Just shake your ass, it's simple. I can see these people searching each others faces, asking "do you know this song?" No, you don't know it, does it matter? Just dance. Now, some of you out there reading might be saying to yourself "I bet they're just a shitty band, that's why they have that problem." If you found yourself thinking that, then you too are undoubtedly a shithead. We rock, and you suck.
You're a shithead if you buy into any of these TV fitness gimmicks. Want to lose weight? You don't just take a pill and watch it magically happen. It takes hard work and sweat, it hurts and you have to push yourself and be consistent. IT'S SUPPOSED TO SUCK. I'm planning to buy a commercial slot on television and have the dialogue go something like this: "Do you want to know the secret to the fastest, easiest way to lose weight and keep it off? Well then listen up! My new fitness program is guaranteed to get you on your way to being more healthy and slim. Its called the "turn the TV off and quit being so goddamned lazy" program!!! Guaranteed to work! Just get off the couch, and go do something active! That's right, fatty... Put down that remote control and bag of chips and go run or something. Quit being so damn lazy, get out there, and get that heart rate up! Guaranteed to work or you just fail at being a human. And remember, get active... or get Heart Disease, you lazy shithead!!!"
On to business; as some of you may recall, I posted a blog not too long ago about my shoulder injury. I'm happy to say that I feel my shoulder is basically back to 100%. Lately I've been hitting the weightroom pretty heavily to strengthen the entire muscle group, along with the rest of my body. I got a pretty awesome 3 month general workout schedule from the old ChasingKaz forums, and it seems to be pretty effective. Along with the general free-weight routine, I do quite a bit of abdominal work and hit some other muscle groups as I see fit. My workout starts with a warmup run of anywhere from .5 - 2 miles (I've been replacing the run with an excercise bike warmup at times.) I try to make my warm-ups more intense and to get my heart rate up over 150 for a period of time, the purpose is to make sure that I'm burning off fat and that weight I'm gaining is only muscle. After that, I'll do static stretches for 10 minutes or so, then go through my weight routine. My workouts target different groups every day, alternating from legs and back to chest and arms. Every day though, I make sure I work on my abs too.
Another big thing I've been concentrating on is nutrition. If you see me out in public, and you don't know me, you might think I'm a bit malnourished. I'm right at 5'11" and most definitely underweight. However, I've been putting on muscle weight recently, and that's a good thing. My workout rotates in three week cycles; the first two weeks concentrates on intensity and high repetitions, while the third is a strengthening week for the muscles you built during the first two. I have scheduled this to last through 4 rotations, 12 weeks total. Directly after my workouts I get protein into my system through either those health bars and shakes, or boiled eggs. Last May, my vaulting weight (shoes and uniform) was averaging around 133lbs-134lbs. Already, I've put on over ten pounds in muscle (Yesterday my vaulting weight was 147.7lbs., and the day before it was right at 149.0lbs.) My goal is to stay right around 150lbs. for the season. Being a little heavier now is a great thing, because it puts a lot more vaulting poles in my range for me to use. The fact that the weight i'm gaining is all muscle is even better.
As of right now I'm keeping myself from actually vaulting; I want to have a good base built and a powerful core before I dive right into it. The indoor facility I use will be opening in the beginning of December, and I plan to be jumping again around that time. I'm urging my top female vaulter to do this same workout plan as well, and to hold off on jumping. I have some high hopes for this season, since last season a big problem was finding good vaulting poles for my weight range. This year I'll have access to almost any pole I need. I'm already quite a bit stronger, and hopefully have more balanced muscle groups. The big "X-factor" for this upcoming season will be just keeping myself from getting injured. As of now my goal is 16ft, and I believe that if things go well I'll have to raise that goal soon. The mechanical aspects of my vault are sound, overall. There are a few aspects I'll need to work on though, when I start jumping again. The first one being my pole drop (How efficiently I move the pole tip from high above my head during the carry to the moment the pole tip is planted in the box.) Ideally, you want to be able to time your pole drop so that the pole actually freefalls during the last few strides of the approach run. As it is now, during my approach I gradually lower the pole over the entire run. This causes me to lean back a bit to support the pole's weight over the last few strides, which leaves me in a less than ideal body position at takeoff. One of my early goals will be to work on my timing and to create more of a freefall of the pole during my approach.
That's about all there is to write about vaulting right now, sorry to bore you with the technicalities. Now, on to...
Reasons You're A Shithead
You're a shithead if you go to a concert and you JUST STAND THERE. Nothing is worse than being on stage and really rocking out an original song, while the crowd stands motionless and expressionless like lobotomy patients. It makes me want to light your head on fire. Just shake your ass, it's simple. I can see these people searching each others faces, asking "do you know this song?" No, you don't know it, does it matter? Just dance. Now, some of you out there reading might be saying to yourself "I bet they're just a shitty band, that's why they have that problem." If you found yourself thinking that, then you too are undoubtedly a shithead. We rock, and you suck.
You're a shithead if you buy into any of these TV fitness gimmicks. Want to lose weight? You don't just take a pill and watch it magically happen. It takes hard work and sweat, it hurts and you have to push yourself and be consistent. IT'S SUPPOSED TO SUCK. I'm planning to buy a commercial slot on television and have the dialogue go something like this: "Do you want to know the secret to the fastest, easiest way to lose weight and keep it off? Well then listen up! My new fitness program is guaranteed to get you on your way to being more healthy and slim. Its called the "turn the TV off and quit being so goddamned lazy" program!!! Guaranteed to work! Just get off the couch, and go do something active! That's right, fatty... Put down that remote control and bag of chips and go run or something. Quit being so damn lazy, get out there, and get that heart rate up! Guaranteed to work or you just fail at being a human. And remember, get active... or get Heart Disease, you lazy shithead!!!"
Monday, October 5, 2009
CousinDaryl is NOT a Shithead.
I have a cousin named Daryl and chances are he's a far better person than you. There are many reasons for this. First off, he's a mutant ninja who can run on less than 4 hours of sleep per week. Second, if you drink with Daryl, you're going to end the night having a good story to tell. Imagine yourself drinking with a leprechaun who knows judo... Yes, it's THAT cool.
But the main reason Daryl is a better person than you is that he is a guy who knows how to get shit done. If you ask him to do something, he gets it done. There's no questioning or worrying over minor details, shit just gets done. How many times do you ask a friend to do something for you, and they reply with uncertainty? They say things like "Well I don't know if I can get that done, what if ______ happens? Will I have time? How do I go about doing ______? What happens if something goes wrong?" But with Daryl, there is none of that. Daryl is self aware, he knows what he can get done and he knows he can deal with shit. He also knows his limits, and is straight with you if something can't be accomplished. This is a brand of self-confidence I don't think even he is fully aware of, and he has a ton of it. He's the kind of person that you never have to worry about them canceling plans and flaking out on you.
An amazing artist once asked me when I became such a control freak, and I realized that he was fully right- I am a control freak in some senses. I like to call it self-discipline. I don't trust anyone to do anything for me because I know if I do it myself I'll get it done right, and it gets done the way I want it to get done. Everything in life to me is a big math problem, and the fewer variables I put into the equation, the simpler it gets and the more I get it right. People are variables, "unknowns" if you will- because you can only be certain about yourself. But Daryl is a variable in my life that has a value that doesn't change; he is a constant. I know if he gets put into any equation, I can rely on the outcome being correct (or at least close enough for funk, baby.)
So this is why I classify CousinDaryl into an elite group of friends/family I like to call "solid." A solid person is always there for you. A solid person is dependable and trustworthy. If you surround yourself with solid people, you yourself will become a better person.
HOWEVER, for every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction. Therefore, since there are solid people, there must be "un-solid" people. I like to call them shitheads. You may be asking yourself "But Samuel, how do I know if someone is solid or a shithead?" Funny you should ask that, because over the next few blog posts I'll be posting simple rules to help you identify solid from shithead. Its kind of like "you might be a redneck," except way cooler because it's me and not some hick with an awful mustache. I like to call this portion:
Reasons You're A Shithead
You're a shithead if you're practically impossible to contact. If I call you and you do not answer, this puts you in a deeply gray area. I do not pick up my phone and actually call you unless I deem it actually important (ie making plans, asking you an important question, telling you about the hot lava-esque shit I just took.) You have a limited amount of time to pick up your phone and be in contact with me before I write you off completely as a person. I see you shitheads out there constantly checking your phones like you're going to find free oral sex somewhere in your cell's menu, and in my mind I see you noticing my call and choosing to ignore it. When I picture you doing that in my head, it is immediately followed by using my imagination to figure out where to dispose of your body parts after I dismember you. Shithead. (Sidenote, almost EVERYONE I know from California is damn near impossible to get on the phone. Coincidence?)
You're a shithead if you interrupt me while speaking. First of all, anything I'm talking about is normally more important than what you are trying to butt in with. You're basically saying to me "Wait Samuel, I have something infinitely more important than whatever you're spewing out of your mouth-hole. You are inconsequential." You know when someone makes you insanely mad to where your face flushes, and your chest gets hot? Thats how it is for me. If we're in a conversation and you interrupt me, you'll notice me getting very silent. No, I'm not listening intently; I'm searching for something to impale you with. Armageddon is imminent. Flap flap flap. Do you hear that flapping? Its death approaching you on swift wings.
You're a shithead if you chew with your mouth open. Honestly? I can't believe I even have to go over this. How does this sick habit get past age 5? Your parents must have failed on you. If this was Sparta, we'd have thrown you off a cliff already. I know dogs with better manners than you, And they lick their crotches/asses in public. Go drown yourself.
Thats it for today, more to follow in future posts.
But the main reason Daryl is a better person than you is that he is a guy who knows how to get shit done. If you ask him to do something, he gets it done. There's no questioning or worrying over minor details, shit just gets done. How many times do you ask a friend to do something for you, and they reply with uncertainty? They say things like "Well I don't know if I can get that done, what if ______ happens? Will I have time? How do I go about doing ______? What happens if something goes wrong?" But with Daryl, there is none of that. Daryl is self aware, he knows what he can get done and he knows he can deal with shit. He also knows his limits, and is straight with you if something can't be accomplished. This is a brand of self-confidence I don't think even he is fully aware of, and he has a ton of it. He's the kind of person that you never have to worry about them canceling plans and flaking out on you.
An amazing artist once asked me when I became such a control freak, and I realized that he was fully right- I am a control freak in some senses. I like to call it self-discipline. I don't trust anyone to do anything for me because I know if I do it myself I'll get it done right, and it gets done the way I want it to get done. Everything in life to me is a big math problem, and the fewer variables I put into the equation, the simpler it gets and the more I get it right. People are variables, "unknowns" if you will- because you can only be certain about yourself. But Daryl is a variable in my life that has a value that doesn't change; he is a constant. I know if he gets put into any equation, I can rely on the outcome being correct (or at least close enough for funk, baby.)
So this is why I classify CousinDaryl into an elite group of friends/family I like to call "solid." A solid person is always there for you. A solid person is dependable and trustworthy. If you surround yourself with solid people, you yourself will become a better person.
HOWEVER, for every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction. Therefore, since there are solid people, there must be "un-solid" people. I like to call them shitheads. You may be asking yourself "But Samuel, how do I know if someone is solid or a shithead?" Funny you should ask that, because over the next few blog posts I'll be posting simple rules to help you identify solid from shithead. Its kind of like "you might be a redneck," except way cooler because it's me and not some hick with an awful mustache. I like to call this portion:
Reasons You're A Shithead
You're a shithead if you're practically impossible to contact. If I call you and you do not answer, this puts you in a deeply gray area. I do not pick up my phone and actually call you unless I deem it actually important (ie making plans, asking you an important question, telling you about the hot lava-esque shit I just took.) You have a limited amount of time to pick up your phone and be in contact with me before I write you off completely as a person. I see you shitheads out there constantly checking your phones like you're going to find free oral sex somewhere in your cell's menu, and in my mind I see you noticing my call and choosing to ignore it. When I picture you doing that in my head, it is immediately followed by using my imagination to figure out where to dispose of your body parts after I dismember you. Shithead. (Sidenote, almost EVERYONE I know from California is damn near impossible to get on the phone. Coincidence?)
You're a shithead if you interrupt me while speaking. First of all, anything I'm talking about is normally more important than what you are trying to butt in with. You're basically saying to me "Wait Samuel, I have something infinitely more important than whatever you're spewing out of your mouth-hole. You are inconsequential." You know when someone makes you insanely mad to where your face flushes, and your chest gets hot? Thats how it is for me. If we're in a conversation and you interrupt me, you'll notice me getting very silent. No, I'm not listening intently; I'm searching for something to impale you with. Armageddon is imminent. Flap flap flap. Do you hear that flapping? Its death approaching you on swift wings.
You're a shithead if you chew with your mouth open. Honestly? I can't believe I even have to go over this. How does this sick habit get past age 5? Your parents must have failed on you. If this was Sparta, we'd have thrown you off a cliff already. I know dogs with better manners than you, And they lick their crotches/asses in public. Go drown yourself.
Thats it for today, more to follow in future posts.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Alive at 25= Totally Not Awesome
Let me tell you about how awesome I am.
Last December, I ran a stop sign and almost struck a police car. He wasn't aware of my awesomeness and the privilege of me being so awesome is that I always have the right of way. ALWAYS. I thought about cluing him in on my awesome traffic rule, but I'm way too awesome for that and accepted my citation.
I had to go to traffic court, which was decidedly not very awesome. The funny thing about Evansville is that you're aware of how dumb and intolerable a lot of it's inhabitants are, but then sometimes it still makes you gasp in awe. Traffic court was like a gathering of the degenerates, a parade of stupid if you will. Except for me, because I am awesome. And the judge was awesome too, almost as awesome as me. He started the hearing out by telling people not to be stupid and argue with him over bullcrap. And what do you know, at least half of the idiots there tried telling him their sob stories and were trying to plead with him. These people were booed. One woman (who reeked of self entitlement; princess complex galore) tried to get her charge of driving without insurance dropped by telling the judge that it was just super inconvenient for her, and she thought it was just totally ridiculous. I wanted to tell her that she was making my brains leak out of my ear, but I'm too awesome to be in contempt of court. She ended up deciding to go to court over it instead of taking the judges gracious offer of just faxing proof of insurance in to the prosecutor and only having to pay court fees. I wanted to beat her over her head with her own weave.
Finally my turn came and everything went super smooth. The judge told me to go take a driving course called "Alive at 25" and my ticket would be voided. I said thank you and went about my awesome way. The judge was probably so gracious because he could tell I was super awesome and I had an awesome purple shirt on that day.
The day came for me to take my class, which was held at the community college I dropped out of because I'm way too awesome for that school. So I showed up and found out that they told me the wrong time for the class to start, and I was an hour early. I said to myself "This is the anti-awesome" and did what anyone as awesome as me should do; I drove to a Hacienda and had chips and a tall Dos Equis. If you don't like Dos Equis, we aren't friends, and you are NOT awesome. Some people might tell me that drinking before your defensive driving class is a bad idea, but these people don't understand the burdens of being as awesome as me; I HAD to do it.
So I drove back to the college I'm too awesome for and found the classroom. It was full of stereotypical high school kids, me, this awesome guy who sat in front of me, and the instructor guy who looked like Steve Martin if Steve Martin was about 147 years old and not funny. I blurted out "How cool was it when the wheel was invented?" but the instructor's ears were too old to hear it. Awesome guy in front of me laughed though, and thus cemented his awesomeness. When people understand my jokes and realize how awesome I am, it makes them awesome. Plus he was funny too, and had decent tattoos. We had a great time making fun of people.
Now comes the awesome part. AARP member Steve Martin has us go around and tell people why we are in there, and what our tickets were for. Nobody was in there for anything awesome. Not even awesome guy. There were a lot of speeding, running stop lights, blah blah blah. So my turn came and I wanted to spice things up a bit. I answered "My name is Samuel, and I'm here because this hooker tried to short change me so I threw her out of my car and a cop saw it. Reckless endangerment." The girls in the room gasped in horror, and the guys cracked up. I kept a straight face as Steve Martin Sr. looked at me like I just pooped out a Hitler. A girl in the room piped up and said "Nuh-uh, there's no way you're here for that. You're full of shit." I wanted to tell her she owed me a rib, but even I sometimes have my limits. So I leveled with the class; "Yeah, you caught me... I was bullshitting you. I NEVER actually pay hookers."
Man, I'm so awesome.
(disclaimer... driving drunk is NOT awesome. I only had one beer and was well under the legal limit.)
Last December, I ran a stop sign and almost struck a police car. He wasn't aware of my awesomeness and the privilege of me being so awesome is that I always have the right of way. ALWAYS. I thought about cluing him in on my awesome traffic rule, but I'm way too awesome for that and accepted my citation.
I had to go to traffic court, which was decidedly not very awesome. The funny thing about Evansville is that you're aware of how dumb and intolerable a lot of it's inhabitants are, but then sometimes it still makes you gasp in awe. Traffic court was like a gathering of the degenerates, a parade of stupid if you will. Except for me, because I am awesome. And the judge was awesome too, almost as awesome as me. He started the hearing out by telling people not to be stupid and argue with him over bullcrap. And what do you know, at least half of the idiots there tried telling him their sob stories and were trying to plead with him. These people were booed. One woman (who reeked of self entitlement; princess complex galore) tried to get her charge of driving without insurance dropped by telling the judge that it was just super inconvenient for her, and she thought it was just totally ridiculous. I wanted to tell her that she was making my brains leak out of my ear, but I'm too awesome to be in contempt of court. She ended up deciding to go to court over it instead of taking the judges gracious offer of just faxing proof of insurance in to the prosecutor and only having to pay court fees. I wanted to beat her over her head with her own weave.
Finally my turn came and everything went super smooth. The judge told me to go take a driving course called "Alive at 25" and my ticket would be voided. I said thank you and went about my awesome way. The judge was probably so gracious because he could tell I was super awesome and I had an awesome purple shirt on that day.
The day came for me to take my class, which was held at the community college I dropped out of because I'm way too awesome for that school. So I showed up and found out that they told me the wrong time for the class to start, and I was an hour early. I said to myself "This is the anti-awesome" and did what anyone as awesome as me should do; I drove to a Hacienda and had chips and a tall Dos Equis. If you don't like Dos Equis, we aren't friends, and you are NOT awesome. Some people might tell me that drinking before your defensive driving class is a bad idea, but these people don't understand the burdens of being as awesome as me; I HAD to do it.
So I drove back to the college I'm too awesome for and found the classroom. It was full of stereotypical high school kids, me, this awesome guy who sat in front of me, and the instructor guy who looked like Steve Martin if Steve Martin was about 147 years old and not funny. I blurted out "How cool was it when the wheel was invented?" but the instructor's ears were too old to hear it. Awesome guy in front of me laughed though, and thus cemented his awesomeness. When people understand my jokes and realize how awesome I am, it makes them awesome. Plus he was funny too, and had decent tattoos. We had a great time making fun of people.
Now comes the awesome part. AARP member Steve Martin has us go around and tell people why we are in there, and what our tickets were for. Nobody was in there for anything awesome. Not even awesome guy. There were a lot of speeding, running stop lights, blah blah blah. So my turn came and I wanted to spice things up a bit. I answered "My name is Samuel, and I'm here because this hooker tried to short change me so I threw her out of my car and a cop saw it. Reckless endangerment." The girls in the room gasped in horror, and the guys cracked up. I kept a straight face as Steve Martin Sr. looked at me like I just pooped out a Hitler. A girl in the room piped up and said "Nuh-uh, there's no way you're here for that. You're full of shit." I wanted to tell her she owed me a rib, but even I sometimes have my limits. So I leveled with the class; "Yeah, you caught me... I was bullshitting you. I NEVER actually pay hookers."
Man, I'm so awesome.
(disclaimer... driving drunk is NOT awesome. I only had one beer and was well under the legal limit.)
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