Alive at 25= Totally Not Awesome

Let me tell you about how awesome I am.

Last December, I ran a stop sign and almost struck a police car. He wasn't aware of my awesomeness and the privilege of me being so awesome is that I always have the right of way. ALWAYS. I thought about cluing him in on my awesome traffic rule, but I'm way too awesome for that and accepted my citation.

I had to go to traffic court, which was decidedly not very awesome. The funny thing about Evansville is that you're aware of how dumb and intolerable a lot of it's inhabitants are, but then sometimes it still makes you gasp in awe. Traffic court was like a gathering of the degenerates, a parade of stupid if you will. Except for me, because I am awesome. And the judge was awesome too, almost as awesome as me. He started the hearing out by telling people not to be stupid and argue with him over bullcrap. And what do you know, at least half of the idiots there tried telling him their sob stories and were trying to plead with him. These people were booed. One woman (who reeked of self entitlement; princess complex galore) tried to get her charge of driving without insurance dropped by telling the judge that it was just super inconvenient for her, and she thought it was just totally ridiculous. I wanted to tell her that she was making my brains leak out of my ear, but I'm too awesome to be in contempt of court. She ended up deciding to go to court over it instead of taking the judges gracious offer of just faxing proof of insurance in to the prosecutor and only having to pay court fees. I wanted to beat her over her head with her own weave.

Finally my turn came and everything went super smooth. The judge told me to go take a driving course called "Alive at 25" and my ticket would be voided. I said thank you and went about my awesome way. The judge was probably so gracious because he could tell I was super awesome and I had an awesome purple shirt on that day.

The day came for me to take my class, which was held at the community college I dropped out of because I'm way too awesome for that school. So I showed up and found out that they told me the wrong time for the class to start, and I was an hour early. I said to myself "This is the anti-awesome" and did what anyone as awesome as me should do; I drove to a Hacienda and had chips and a tall Dos Equis. If you don't like Dos Equis, we aren't friends, and you are NOT awesome. Some people might tell me that drinking before your defensive driving class is a bad idea, but these people don't understand the burdens of being as awesome as me; I HAD to do it.

So I drove back to the college I'm too awesome for and found the classroom. It was full of stereotypical high school kids, me, this awesome guy who sat in front of me, and the instructor guy who looked like Steve Martin if Steve Martin was about 147 years old and not funny. I blurted out "How cool was it when the wheel was invented?" but the instructor's ears were too old to hear it. Awesome guy in front of me laughed though, and thus cemented his awesomeness. When people understand my jokes and realize how awesome I am, it makes them awesome. Plus he was funny too, and had decent tattoos. We had a great time making fun of people.

Now comes the awesome part. AARP member Steve Martin has us go around and tell people why we are in there, and what our tickets were for. Nobody was in there for anything awesome. Not even awesome guy. There were a lot of speeding, running stop lights, blah blah blah. So my turn came and I wanted to spice things up a bit. I answered "My name is Samuel, and I'm here because this hooker tried to short change me so I threw her out of my car and a cop saw it. Reckless endangerment." The girls in the room gasped in horror, and the guys cracked up. I kept a straight face as Steve Martin Sr. looked at me like I just pooped out a Hitler. A girl in the room piped up and said "Nuh-uh, there's no way you're here for that. You're full of shit." I wanted to tell her she owed me a rib, but even I sometimes have my limits. So I leveled with the class; "Yeah, you caught me... I was bullshitting you. I NEVER actually pay hookers."

Man, I'm so awesome.

(disclaimer... driving drunk is NOT awesome. I only had one beer and was well under the legal limit.)