Now that it feels like everything I thought I knew about myself has been incorrect or skewed in some way, and I'm left without a clue who I am. But over the past few weeks I've been getting a better idea of who and what I am.
I'm an imperfect perfectionist.
My own flaws and misgivings are now painfully obvious to me, and I can't deny them anymore. For so long I've tried to be perfect and I've obtained pretty much the opposite. I held myself to standards that made me feel somehow different from the masses when the truth is that I'm really just another person with the same issues and feelings as everyone. So I've went from denying my imperfections to having them sitting in front of me everyday, and now I'm forced to deal with them all. And the more I'm faced with them, the more I talk things out with people, the more I realize that these imperfections are okay or at least normal.
So I'm at a spot where I'm more self aware than I've ever been. I'm a walking contradiction. I'm a total dick who happens to be a sweet guy. The imperfect perfectionist. I'm all these different things thrown in a blender. So essentially, I have no clue.
What to do now?
The only thing I can think of is to just give things time. I'm pursuing things right now that I've only ever dreamed about. I'm going to be pole vaulting on a college team, something I've wanted to do since I picked up vaulting over 10 years ago. I'm going to college, something I thought was an impossibility. I have such a crazy journey coming up over the next few months and years that I'm just going to go along for the ride and try to really figure out what I want to do with myself. But I also am going to keep in mind that there are no rules here.
Sorry for the rambling and the lack of satirical humor in this post, I just needed to write some.
