CousinDaryl is NOT a Shithead.

I have a cousin named Daryl and chances are he's a far better person than you. There are many reasons for this. First off, he's a mutant ninja who can run on less than 4 hours of sleep per week. Second, if you drink with Daryl, you're going to end the night having a good story to tell. Imagine yourself drinking with a leprechaun who knows judo... Yes, it's THAT cool.

But the main reason Daryl is a better person than you is that he is a guy who knows how to get shit done. If you ask him to do something, he gets it done. There's no questioning or worrying over minor details, shit just gets done. How many times do you ask a friend to do something for you, and they reply with uncertainty? They say things like "Well I don't know if I can get that done, what if ______ happens? Will I have time? How do I go about doing ______? What happens if something goes wrong?" But with Daryl, there is none of that. Daryl is self aware, he knows what he can get done and he knows he can deal with shit. He also knows his limits, and is straight with you if something can't be accomplished. This is a brand of self-confidence I don't think even he is fully aware of, and he has a ton of it. He's the kind of person that you never have to worry about them canceling plans and flaking out on you.

An amazing artist once asked me when I became such a control freak, and I realized that he was fully right- I am a control freak in some senses. I like to call it self-discipline. I don't trust anyone to do anything for me because I know if I do it myself I'll get it done right, and it gets done the way I want it to get done. Everything in life to me is a big math problem, and the fewer variables I put into the equation, the simpler it gets and the more I get it right. People are variables, "unknowns" if you will- because you can only be certain about yourself. But Daryl is a variable in my life that has a value that doesn't change; he is a constant. I know if he gets put into any equation, I can rely on the outcome being correct (or at least close enough for funk, baby.)

So this is why I classify CousinDaryl into an elite group of friends/family I like to call "solid." A solid person is always there for you. A solid person is dependable and trustworthy. If you surround yourself with solid people, you yourself will become a better person.

HOWEVER, for every action there must be an equal and opposite reaction. Therefore, since there are solid people, there must be "un-solid" people. I like to call them shitheads. You may be asking yourself "But Samuel, how do I know if someone is solid or a shithead?" Funny you should ask that, because over the next few blog posts I'll be posting simple rules to help you identify solid from shithead. Its kind of like "you might be a redneck," except way cooler because it's me and not some hick with an awful mustache. I like to call this portion:

Reasons You're A Shithead

You're a shithead if you're practically impossible to contact. If I call you and you do not answer, this puts you in a deeply gray area. I do not pick up my phone and actually call you unless I deem it actually important (ie making plans, asking you an important question, telling you about the hot lava-esque shit I just took.) You have a limited amount of time to pick up your phone and be in contact with me before I write you off completely as a person. I see you shitheads out there constantly checking your phones like you're going to find free oral sex somewhere in your cell's menu, and in my mind I see you noticing my call and choosing to ignore it. When I picture you doing that in my head, it is immediately followed by using my imagination to figure out where to dispose of your body parts after I dismember you. Shithead. (Sidenote, almost EVERYONE I know from California is damn near impossible to get on the phone. Coincidence?)

You're a shithead if you interrupt me while speaking. First of all, anything I'm talking about is normally more important than what you are trying to butt in with. You're basically saying to me "Wait Samuel, I have something infinitely more important than whatever you're spewing out of your mouth-hole. You are inconsequential." You know when someone makes you insanely mad to where your face flushes, and your chest gets hot? Thats how it is for me. If we're in a conversation and you interrupt me, you'll notice me getting very silent. No, I'm not listening intently; I'm searching for something to impale you with. Armageddon is imminent. Flap flap flap. Do you hear that flapping? Its death approaching you on swift wings.

You're a shithead if you chew with your mouth open. Honestly? I can't believe I even have to go over this. How does this sick habit get past age 5? Your parents must have failed on you. If this was Sparta, we'd have thrown you off a cliff already. I know dogs with better manners than you, And they lick their crotches/asses in public. Go drown yourself.

Thats it for today, more to follow in future posts.