Blender.

So, the past month or two have been a tornado to say the least. I'm not going to delve horribly deep about everything, but just understand that things (EVERYTHING, relationships, emotions, finances, friends) have been hectic as hell. Life went from turning a 180 to just spinning around and leaving me without a clue what direction I'm pointed in.

Now that it feels like everything I thought I knew about myself has been incorrect or skewed in some way, and I'm left without a clue who I am. But over the past few weeks I've been getting a better idea of who and what I am.

I'm an imperfect perfectionist.

My own flaws and misgivings are now painfully obvious to me, and I can't deny them anymore. For so long I've tried to be perfect and I've obtained pretty much the opposite. I held myself to standards that made me feel somehow different from the masses when the truth is that I'm really just another person with the same issues and feelings as everyone. So I've went from denying my imperfections to having them sitting in front of me everyday, and now I'm forced to deal with them all. And the more I'm faced with them, the more I talk things out with people, the more I realize that these imperfections are okay or at least normal.

So I'm at a spot where I'm more self aware than I've ever been. I'm a walking contradiction. I'm a total dick who happens to be a sweet guy. The imperfect perfectionist. I'm all these different things thrown in a blender. So essentially, I have no clue.

What to do now?

The only thing I can think of is to just give things time. I'm pursuing things right now that I've only ever dreamed about. I'm going to be pole vaulting on a college team, something I've wanted to do since I picked up vaulting over 10 years ago. I'm going to college, something I thought was an impossibility. I have such a crazy journey coming up over the next few months and years that I'm just going to go along for the ride and try to really figure out what I want to do with myself. But I also am going to keep in mind that there are no rules here.

Sorry for the rambling and the lack of satirical humor in this post, I just needed to write some.

Reminiscing...

These numbers on paper adorn my red wall,

With some from the spring and the others from fall.

The minutes and seconds accompany time;

The ribbons and medals, the safety pin line.

A flag and a boombox, some blue and white paint;

A head shaven coach and a hill that we hate.

A dance off with teams that we never had met,

And crossing the line having given our best.

A bus ride choir, a camp at the park.

A circuit on mondo while still in the dark.

Sprinting up Hank's and a fox hole discovered.

Washing off all of the mud; we were covered.

Continuous invervals, tipping a tree;

All of these memories dearest to me.

"Where do you want to be in November?"

With all of these things that I love to remember.

Marriage

I've been with my girlfriend now for over 4 years. Whenever I tell people that, the first thing they say is "Oh wow, so when are you getting married?" UGH. Like it's some requirement, or there's a time limit on things.

I never really have a good answer, unless I feel like going way in depth into things, which I don't. So from here on out I'm going to give the real reason, the first thing that pops into my head when someone asks me why I haven't proposed yet.

It's because I'm scared.

Oh, but I'm not scared of commitment or anything like that. I'm scared because damn near every newlywed girl I know gets back from her honeymoon and BAM she chops all her hair off. Congratulations buddy, I now pronounce you husband and husband. Betcha can't wait til she gets huge and stops having sex with you too.

Also... Why can't anyone ever say something good about their spouse? You ask them about their marriage and they give you this monotone, rehearsed response of "Oh its great... best thing that ever happened to me... I love _____ so much more each and every day..." But when you actually hear them talk about their wife/husband they make it sound like they're in a concentration camp, just begging for someone to put them out of their sad, miserable existence. Makes me really look forward to it. People talk about marriage like it's the seventh circle of hell on earth, then wonder why I haven't popped the question. Shitheads.