I saw him through a couple rows of cars, standing with a goofy smile on a goofy face. Had he really always been this small? I knew I hadn't seen him in almost eight years, but I had a hard time even believing it was him. I saw him start walking slowly away from an empty parking space, holding a small plastic figurine in his hand, staring at it and smiling. I smiled and shook my head, his awkward youth was amusing me. I thought he'd be different from any other boy his age, but in my mind I didn't want to admit to myself he was a walking cliche for a 15-16 year old boy.
I mirrored his path, a couple rows of cars away still. I knew I came here for the sole purpose of talking with him, but observing him was like watching a fire; I didn't want to look away and I didn't want to disturb it. slowly, I started closing the gap between us. I passed through the rows of cars, only the screams coming from the roller coaster passengers and the hum of grasshoppers was breaking this summer silence. I walked up from directly behind him, came up on his left side and put a hand on his shoulder. The sudden contact startled him, which made me smile a little to myself; I guess he was always jumpy and skittish. We locked eyes and time froze. He stood staring at me in utter disbelief as I smiled and thought about how this is just like the movies. He tried to speak, but couldn't form the words in his confusion. It was all I could do to keep from laughing, but I managed to break the silence.
"Amanda, she was great, wasn't she? You still have a little lip gloss on you."
"But... h-how are you... when..." He stammered. He was awkward; he didn't know what to do with his hands. I couldn't imagine being in his shoes at that moment, trying to comprehend what was happening and why he was seeing me.
"Look, I don't have a whole lot of time." I said, as I put my hand on his shoulder. "I don't know how long I have here, I don't know how or why I'm even here, but I am."
"I don't... I don't get it..." He managed to choke out.
"I don't either. But I guess this happened for a reason, and I'm glad I'm here."
"How... how many years... um..."
I smiled, he was so predictably goofy. "I'm 24 now, man. Practically an old man." We both laughed. "So really though, Amanda... What a girl huh? You had a hell of a day today didn't you?"
"She was just... yeah... wow. Well, it hardly compares to THIS, that's for sure... I have so much I want to ask you."
I put my hand up to stop him. "I'm sure you do, but I'm not sure how much of it I'd answer. Ya know, don't want to ruin the surprise for you." I said with a laugh. He smiled and looked at the ground, then back up to my face.
"So what do you do now? I mean, college? Air force? Married?" He asked shyly.
I chuckled. "No, no air force, no wife... thankfully. I am in college though. Engineering. That AutoCAD we took came to good use." I didn't know why I was making these feeble attempts at small talk, save for a slight distraction of the very serious things I could say. Every single part of me wanted to tell him about the bum knee, about the girls who have broken my heart, and about the girls who's hearts I've broken. I wanted to tell him about self confidence, about his self worth. Every hard experience I'd learned so much from, I wanted to tell him all about and keep him from feeling those kinds of pains that I'd felt. I kept almost saying something to him and stopping at the last second. What good would it do to tell him anyway? He would either dismiss my advice like any other boy his age, or he would take it and I would rob him of every single character building moment of his young teenage life. As I looked at him, my words just failing and tears welling up, I wanted to hug him just for being so pristine still, if that's what you could call him. He wasn't innocent by a long shot, quite the opposite. But he had the innocence of youth in him still. He wasn't some jaded, bitter person like I had become.
I tried to choke down the knot in my throat, I'd always imagined this moment and all the things I'd say; I imagined that I'd be like a father figure, like I would have some sort of amazing speech to recite to him to turn his life around and leave him feeling like a new person. But at that moment standing there with him, with him intently listening to me and hanging on every word I may or may not say, nothing grand was coming to mind. I cleared my mind, cleared my throat, and let him have it.
"Look, there is a ton of stuff I want to tell you, so much advice I should give you. But if I give you too much information, I'll be cutting the legs out from under you. There are just some very important things that you are just going to have to learn on your own, but I'm going to give you the best advice I can. Don't take things so seriously man, it's not worth it because nothing is permanent. This depression you've been in, these people who are bringing you down... They're going to be nothing but a bad memory by the time you're 20. It doesn't seem like it, but man, these days right here are the best days of your life. You couldn't possibly realize it now, but when you get to be my age you're going to look back at this time as the best days of your life. Once you turn like, 19, everything starts getting really damn depressing man."
The boy looked confused but was listening intently, and interjected "Well, what about Amanda? What can you tell me about her?"
His question made me smile, one of those genuine ear to ear smiles. This was the moment I'd been waiting for. "Listen closely," I said. "This moment right here... this instant where time stopped for a bit, just like it did the moment you kissed her; never forget how you feel right now, because this is one of those REALLY good moments in life."
"What do you mean? I mean, I know what you're saying, but what are you talking about?" He asked.
For a moment, my heart stopped and every single heartbreak came rushing back. Every knife in my back returned, every broken promise was shoved in my face. All the hurt I'd ever endured in the pursuit of this fairy tale we like to call 'love' was all right there in front of me again. I wanted so badly to tell him that it was all fake, that he'd been brought up to believe in a lie where a man and a woman were made for each other and would be together forever in happiness without even trying. I could just see the hope in his eyes, a kind of fire that had long since been replaced in my eyes. I wanted to tell him how awful it was to have this fire of hope smothered out slowly over the years. After all, it was why I wanted to come here. I wanted to train this boy, I wanted to keep him from feeling all the pain that I had. I wanted to show him his potential with girls and life and everything else in this world, but when confronted with this fire in his eyes, with his hope.... I just couldn't do that to him. That was the one thing I missed most about youth, that endless optimism that there was someone out there for everyone. It was such a contradiction; every principle I held dear was screaming at me not to let this boy live in ignorance, and that truth was so much better than whatever lie he was living in. But why should I have the right to take that optimism from anyone? So that he could live in the mundane gray area that I live in every day now? No, it wouldn't be fair to him to take that one good thing away from him. I thought very hard about what I should say next.
"She gave you a figurine right?" I asked him.
He smiled shyly again and nodded. His right hand went to his pocket to feel for the trinket.
I continued. "What I meant by this being a good moment was that, well, you don't get a lot of these... So really cherish them, man. When you get home and get in bed tonight, every single tiny little detail from today is going to play through your head a hundred times over. The way she kisses, the way she rubbed your palm as you two held hands. The way you felt like a king today, walking around with that beautiful girl. The way she laughed all goofy. You'll remember these things until you die, man. That's how good it is today. And later on, when you get her letters you're going to be SO very happy, every single word of hers you read is going to feel like winning the lottery. This summer, you'll bump into a few different girls that wear the same kind of perfume she wore today, and that smell will make you smile like a big goof in front of everyone. You'll remember the way she smelled today, forever. Every time you are around the smell of chlorine, you'll smile and think of laying with her in the lazy river. And someday, when you're here with another girl who you love, you'll walk by the place you and Amanda shared your first kiss and smile to yourself. I can't explain why all this is the greatest stuff in the world, but I know one day, you will understand."
"So... are you saying we don't end up together?" He asked. Again I laughed, I guess there was no way to make my point to him. I shouldn't have expected him to understand. I should have never gotten my hopes up.
"I can't say for sure man. It's up to you. But whatever does happen, don't let yourself be bitter. You'll always have this moment, this utter joy you're feeling right now, and no one can take that from you man." And directly after saying that, I knew that coming to talk to the boy was a mistake; I had lied to myself about how it would go. The tears came streaming down my face; sometimes I can be such a sap. The boy looked so confused, why was this man crying in front of him, in the middle of an amusement park's parking lot? But with minimal hesitation, the boy put his arms around me and hugged me. I guess he always was just a sweet boy, no matter who was hurting he wanted to help.
I jerked awake in my bed. As I sat up and got my bearings, I remembered that I was really just laying alone in my apartment. The red glow from my alarm clock lit up my room in an eerie way. I felt my eyes for tears, but there were none. I slowly crawled out of bed and to the bathroom. "That was one of those dreams I kind of hope I forget." I thought to myself. As I walked through my room and back to my bed, dreading work in only a few short hours, before the sun even came up... I glanced at my nightstand and saw a small figurine that I had been carrying in my pocket every day for the last eight years. Of course I smiled, as all the memories came rushing back. The way she smelled, the way she kissed, the way she made me feel like a king for a day; I was right when I said that the boy would remember the details forever. I slipped back under the covers and closed my eyes to the fondest memories. I guess sometimes I just need to take my own advice; remember the good parts of my life and never be bitter. But I guess the good memories don't have to be just of her, the ones that are making me smile tonight while I lay here writing this are the memories of a boy who was almost "too nice" and who still had that fire of hope in his eyes. The boy who still believes in love and who still wants to try and make the impossible work. The sweet, compassionate, kind little boy I used to be.
